my dreams have been insanely real. and the image of him always finds a way to come through.
the night before last, I saw him in the school hallways and then in the dream, i get this long text from him and the first sentence he said was “you can hate me all you want, you can dislike me all you want but..” and that’s all i read. after that, the dream was over. i woke up and checked my phone to see if i really was dreaming. who am i kidding, of course i was.
and today, i wake up from another dream he also found his way through. we had a class together, english. which is a coincidence because we really did have english together. anyways, the day was crazy, everyone was really hyped up, especially me. i was loud and making jokes to the class and playing around with my friends and i guess it got his attention and he started to talk to me, as if nothing had happened and he just finally wanted to talk. my feelings in the dream were “wow, we just broke the ice, he’s actually talking to me.” he laughed at my jokes, was being playful with me, i could see him in my peripheral staring at me. and gosh, it felt so real. i hated waking up. it’s like my mind pulled a joke on ME.
that dream was just a reminder that, yes it is hard for me to have to act like i don’t know him and yes, i wish i could talk to him. but then i remember, wait..this is what i wanted.
i pushed him out, and now he’s finally given up. that’s what i wanted right? no, not really. no one would ever want to see someone they truly, deeply care about give up on them and be done. it hurts. it’s like “ok! this is what you wanted, right? well here ya go!”
*slap in the face* i guess if it didn’t hurt, it would prove that my feelings were never real. he’s done what i asked and respected that for once, but at the same time it’s still hard for me to see it actually happen.
i don’t know that there will ever be a time that we do break the ice and talk. we’ve got 49 days left exactly of HS and we’re probably never gonna see one another again. i don’t know, i won’t know till i get there. we’ll see what happens.
i just wonder. does he still dream about me? do i even come to mind anymore? these questions seem to kill me but i’ll learn to live without those answers.
I’m gonna be honest. I have my days when I am weak and all that’s on my mind is him. And I feel like that’s pretty normal, but I know the right choice and the wrong choice and I’m not gonna act out on it. I might miss him and all but moving on from him is what’s best and for the past 3 weeks, I’ve done just that. It makes me feel independent and strong and I want him to notice that more than anything! I want him to see that yes, I have moved on and yes, I’m strong without you. Because strength is a women’s BEST feature. Showing him that, I know it’ll kill him because he doesn’t have me anymore. And he’ll never have me again. :)
So if you’re getting over someone, stick to it! Show them you’re strong enough to move on and I assure you, that’ll hurt them just as much as they hurt you. Maybe it is about revenge or maybe it’s just about self-respect. Do it for yourself not for the satisfaction of revenge.
days of sickness have passed by. 3 to be exact. which means I haven’t been at school. which means I haven’t seen him. it makes me wonder if he’s completely over me now and forgot about me. I hope not but I’m not sure what he’s thinking or feeling. it kinda hurts, actually really hurts. heartbreak sucks. I miss having someone telling me they love me other than friends and family. I miss having someone that I can kiss passionately and hug amorously. sometimes I wish i can just go up to him and kiss him and tell him hello and act like everything’s the way it used to be but that’s not possible. i just miss having that special someone, someone to love. because I did love him, or else my heart wouldn’t be broken right now. he’s becoming the better person id always hope he would be now. he’s bettering himself and his relationships and now I’m no longer in his life. I always wanted to stand by him when he was going through this. I wanted to make a difference in his life. but maybe I did. ever since he lost me, he’s realized that all that he’s done with the drugs has made him into this bad guy and he made choices that pushed people out of his life, like me. so maybe, just maybe, I did help him. maybe I led him out of the darkness and sooner or later he’ll find the light to where God stands before him. I pray he does.
why do i miss you? why do i wish we talked? why do i hate this? i might hate it, but I’m gonna stick to this. i know this is right. i just wish this wasn’t happening to me. i miss you. and i love you.